As I was growing up I had a lot of troubles at home, In fact I had a broken home with no love from my father and him regularly arguing and beating my mother. This went on for years and as I got to the age of 12 I started looking for ways to fulfil the emptiness I felt in my life. One day I came across a magazine in a corner shop, it was full of naked women, the more I flicked through the pages the more excited I got. I felt a sort of high and it was as if something in my brain had sparked up. I knew I couldn’t purchase the magazine as I was only 12 so I would go to the shop every day and pretend to look at other magazines whilst hiding the porn magazine underneath. I finally found something that made me happy. The more I looked at the pictures the more i wanted to see, it became a drug for me. One night while I was in my bed I started thinking about the pictures and somehow learned about self-gratification. This was my first such experience and it was the best feeling I had ever felt in my life. This was what I was looking for all along, the emptiness that I felt was filled with a few seconds of pleasure and I was instantly hooked.
It became a part of my life and i could not stop. The years went on and I grew into a man. I got married but kept watching porn and acting out even though I tried to give it up. A few years into my marriage my sex life was going downhill. I was struggling to perform, it would take ages for me to get aroused and I would never be satisfied sexually. I would always turn towards the addiction after. I then realised It was the porn that was affecting my life and my sexual relationship with my wife. This realisation was difficult to swallow and it really got me thinking about my addiction. I tried again to give up but it did not work, I would stop for a few weeks and would be back at it again. I then started to practice Alhamdulillah and again tried to quit. This time I lasted longer, I thought I was a free man and was really happy but eventually l was back on the internet looking for satisfaction like a drug addict.
I looked for answers on how to give up everywhere but nothing really helped until I came across My Tazkiyah, it was the first time I saw this type of recovery programme for Muslims. Alhamdulillah the programme has helped me a great deal and has really opened my eyes to what was really going on. I learnt that the porn was not the main issue; in fact i was using porn and masturbation to cover up my unhealed wounds. I was acting out to cover up my feelings and what was going inside me. I was ignoring the pain, the suffering and the trauma i suffered as a child. Working the programme helped me connect with myself again and i was able to speak to the child within and tell Him “its okay i understand, everything is going to be fine”.