Tasting the Freedom

So I was sitting in the living room one night watching WCW nitro. I think Kevin Nash was fighting Rey Mysterio. I used to love watching wrestling all by myself, it made me feel like a grown up, it was my escape. After wrestling finished I decided to look around to see other channels and that’s when I came across pornography. I was shocked. I was thinking how can such explicit content be played on cable but I guess that’s how things were in the 90’s. Not enough restrictions and technology was limited. That was my first experience with pornography and I thought I would never watch it again. Then I was given my own room along with a television. This opened up many different avenues. Every weekend, there would be adult movies playing on national television! I became more intrigued and excited by what I was seeing and slowly but surely I was addicted. At the time I didn’t realise but now I know, I was truly addicted.

Over the next 10-15 years I was doing okay with the addiction or at least I thought I was. Then came a time where acting out stopped working for me. I started to experience a great deal of shame and guilt. I probably always felt this shame when acting out or after acting out but I was good at covering up my feelings when I was younger so I would forget about it and carry on with my life. There came a point where the pain became greater than the relief. The hole inside me started to get bigger and bigger. I felt empty, worthless and inadequate. It’s as if my manhood was taken away from me every time I would act out. I was good at stopping but could not stay stopped. The harder I tried, the more the addiction grew. It’s as if I was going through a process of ego deflation. I was getting the message that I cannot stop, I am hopeless over this addiction and my life and that I have to accept total defeat. I felt as if Allah was telling me to rely on Him and not myself to recover.

Looking back at my past I realised I had too much dependence upon people and basically the creation more than the Creator Himself. This was my problem; I was trying to micro manage my life and be in charge. I said I believed in Allah and that all of my affairs are in His hands but my actions where showing otherwise. In the My Tazkiyah program I learned that nothing was in my control and that ALLAH is in charge.

Everything is in Allah’s hands so why do I still go crazy when something goes wrong. Why do I struggle every time my will is not fulfilled? It is because I have not truly surrendered to Allah and this is why I need a recovery program, a support network that will keep me on the straight path. I need people in my life who are struggling with the same addiction as me, have the same problems as me and have the solution to my problems. The life I live today is a life with Allah. The program helps me to keep connected and close to As-salaam (The Ultimate Provider of Peace).

My Tazkiyah Member

  1. JazakAllahu Khayr for this.

  2. Hola! I’ve been following your weblog for some time now and finally got the bravery to go ahead and give you a shout out from Houston Tx! Just wanted to say keep up the great work!

  3. Barak Allahu Fik Brother this is very helpful. I make duah for you and us all. We will be stay and live life long sober. Bismillah!

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